When I was younger, my dream was to become a doctor. I always knew that I wanted to help people improve their lives, and I was interested in healtcare, so I figured a career in medicine would be the best option for me. So I made becoming a doctor my goal. I worked really hard to make it happen. Everything was going according to plan until one fateful day in the 2nd grade. A freak accident during a routine art project caused me to staple a piece of construction paper to my left index finger. My teacher promptly sent me to the nurse’s office and it was on the walk up that I discovered I would never become a doctor. At the first sight of blood oozing from my wound, I began to feel nauseated. I fainted right on the spot. So there I was, a scrawny seven year old, passed out on the grass in front of the nurse’s office, with a shattered life’s dream and a piece of freaking construction paper stapled to my finger.
Fast forward approximately twenty years later. My desire to help people improve their lives through the betterment of their health still remains. Only now, the approach is much different. Instead of through treatment, the improvements come through prevention. To find answers to the questions that need to be asked, however, is a daunting and tedious task. As students of public health, we inveribly read study after study about this or that. Sometimes we might scoff at a sample size that we deem too small, or wonder why the researchers didn’t take a closer look at something. It is not until we, ourselves, actually try and complete these studies that we realize just how much work actually goes into them.
A study that I am currently working on calls for data to be collected on 200 patients via written survey. Easy enough….or so I thought. At any given day in the clinic, the doctors may see 40 patients. Half of them, however, usually are not eligible to participate. Out of the remaining 20, half have already completed the survey at a prior visit. That leaves maybe 10 eligible patients, some of whom don’t want to participate, and some of whom I miss because I am busy interviewing someone else. Most days in the clinic, I spend 8 hours on my feet, running back and forth, trying to talk to people, only to come away with maybe 5 interviews. And that’s if I’m lucky. As harrowing as it is sometimes, I always leave the clinic feeling really happy. In my mind, each and every survey is like gold. While one survey alone may not be that big of a deal, each one is a part of something that is much bigger than myself. Each one is a contribution. Each one is a piece of the puzzle that will eventually serve to unlock the answers to questions that may help people improve their heath and wellbeing. And the best part is, I can do it all without seeing a single drop of blood. That is of course, provided I don’t staple the surveys to my finger.
I know I don’t return to Yale for another month and a half to start my second and last year at grad school, but for whatever reason, I am so excited to go back. I have this overwhelming feeling of anticipation. I am so excited, I feel like my heart is going to burst right out of my chest. Last year, at this time, I was excited but also a little scared. This time around, the fear has entirely dissipated and I am left with this rush of adrenaline that keeps me awake at night. I feel like a little kid the night before a trip to Disneyland. I can’t wait to take amazing classes. I am excited to meet a whole group of new people. I am anticipating all of the wonderful experiences that await me just around the corner. I have the same feeling I felt when I went skydiving this time last year for Bur’s birthday. It’s like I am free falling, and I don’t want to pull the chute. I just want to dive right into everything and savor every gush of air that rushes past me, because before I know it. It will all be over.
Former SPOP staffers know what I am talking about. It’s the same feeling that we used to get on the morning before a SPOP weekend, the anticipation of who we were going to staff with, the wonderment about the SPOPPERS, the not knowing what was really in store for us, but just knowing it was going to be incredible. That is how I feel about this upcoming year. It is going to be an incredible journey. I will keep you all posted!
Greetings everyone from sunny Southern California! I hope everyone is enjoying their summers and having a wonderful time at their respective internships. I have been working at the Chao Comprehensive Cancer Center at the UCI Med Center for about a month now. The Med Center is located in the heart of Orange County, California (or as many people know it, “The OC”). I am just a stone’s throw away from Disneyland and Angel Stadium, although I have yet to visit either place since being back home. My job here consists of interviewing patients in the clinic, completing retrospective chart reviews, attending lectures and symposiums, and working with our dear friend, SAS. To be honest, the retrospective chart review aspect sucks. While looking through these charts, I am forced to sit in a frigid room, by myself, for hours on end, with nothing but boxes of illegible medical records to keep me company. While the chart review is rather miserable, my favorite part of the experience by far is interviewing the patients in the clinic. All of the women I speak with have had some sort of gynecological cancer, ie cervical, ovarian, uterine, etc. The majority have had complete hysterectomies, and have gone through multiple rounds of chemotherapy and radiation as a part of their treatment. What amazes me about these women is their strength. Despite their circumstances, they are happy. They approach what is dealt to them with amazing attitudes and brilliant outlooks on life. Perhaps my favorite patient thus far is a woman named Monica. I had the pleasure of meeting her when she came to the clinic for a follow up after her last round of chemotherapy. Monica can best be described as a vibrant hispanic woman in her 40’s who exudes an aura of warmth and kindness. The second she walked into the clinic she gave hugs and kisses to all of the nurses and smiles to all of her fellow patients. Like most patients, she was more than happy to sit and chat with me. She told me that she loved coming to the clinic because she got to see her “boyfriend” (the attending physician that she admittedly has a crush on). When I asked her how she was feeling after her treatment she replied with a smile and said “I feel great! I am not going to let this disease get me down. Oh, and girl, I know I still look good, with hair or without!” After our interview, she left me with a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek. I only spent 20 minutes with her, but I know I am going to remember Monica for a very long time.
I am not sure what I was hoping to get out of this internship. Going into it, I think I was looking for some research experience, data for my thesis, and perhaps a publication. While I hope that I do attain those things, the lessons I am learning from the women I talk to are the things I will value the most. I am learning that the human spirit has a remarkable capacity to overcome. I am learning that strength comes in many shapes and forms. I am learning that if you want to find out what people need in order to improve their health and quality of life, all you have to do is be sincere in your caring, and ask them. I am learning that laughter and a good attitude really is the best medicine, preventative or otherwise. Most of all, I am learning about what I value in terms of a career in public health. I love putting faces to, and interracting with, the people whose lives we aim to improve through our work. While the chart reviews and the SAS may not always be so favorable, its all worth it when the Monicas of the world live to thrive and smile another day.
Mistakes; we all make them. Goodness knows, I have had my fair share. Some have been fairly minor. There was the time I didn’t look in my rear view while backing out of the driveway and ended up smashing the hood of my sister’s car with our SUV. Oops! Others have had much heavier reprocussions. Choosing the wrong undergrad major, staying in that major, picking a career that I dispised, and wasting 5 years of my life seems to come to mind as one of my more major life altering fuck ups. After every mistake, no matter how big or small, I always sort of hit my palm to my forehead and think, “Man! I wish I didn’t do that! I wish I could go back in time and change that decision.” But the thing is, I can’t. Nobody can. We can’t ever wind back the hands of time and alter our past. As much as we might want to, life just doesn’t work that way.
Lately I seem to find myself in a tangled web of regrettable decisions. Desicions that I fear may haunt me for a long time to come. I keep finding myself thinking “if I would have only done things this way, maybe this outcome would be different?” or “why did I make this choice?” When this happens, I keep having to remind myself that life is like a river. It is fluid, yet it only flows in one direction; down stream. Things happen for a reason. Mistakes happen for a reason. They are life’s way of teaching us lessons, and it is our job to learn from them. If we don’t, we create a dam, we become stagnant, and our river goes nowhere.
So here is to my mistakes, both big and small! I made them, I own them, and I will learn from them. Let the river flow on.
