Mistakes

Mistakes;  we all make them.  Goodness knows, I have had my fair share.  Some have been fairly minor.  There was the time I didn’t look in my rear view while backing out of the driveway and ended up smashing the hood of my sister’s car with our SUV. Oops!  Others have had much heavier reprocussions.  Choosing the wrong undergrad major, staying in that major, picking a career that I dispised, and wasting 5 years of my life seems to come to mind as one of my more major life altering fuck ups.  After every mistake, no matter how big or small, I always sort of hit my palm to my forehead and think, “Man!  I wish I didn’t do that!  I wish I could go back in time and change that decision.”  But the thing is, I can’t.  Nobody can.  We can’t ever wind back the hands of time and alter our past.  As much as we might want to, life just doesn’t work that way. 

Lately I seem to find myself in a tangled web of regrettable decisions.  Desicions that I fear may haunt me for a long time to come.  I keep finding myself thinking “if I would have only done things this way, maybe this outcome would be different?” or “why did I make this choice?”  When this happens, I keep having to remind myself that life is like a river.  It is fluid, yet it only flows in one direction; down stream.  Things happen for a reason.  Mistakes happen for a reason.  They are life’s way of teaching us lessons, and it is our job to learn from them.  If we don’t, we create a dam, we become stagnant, and our river goes nowhere. 

So here is to my mistakes, both big and small!  I made them, I own them, and I will learn from them.  Let the river flow on.

 

Reflections

My first year of grad school is over.  In some ways it dragged on forever, and in others it went by in a flash.  As I embark on my first of two summer internships, I have some time to sit and reflect on all of the experiences I have been through in the past nine months.  When I arrived at school at the end of last August, I really wasn’t sure what to expect.  I went in with a sort of nervous anticipation, just sort of waiting for my life to change.  Now, at the end of May, I can honestly say that my life really did change.  I met some of the most amazing and brilliant people imaginable.  I learned so much about the field of public health and the career I want to pursue.  I survived a New England winter.  I experienced the most incredible highs and also some extremely wretched lows.  I was tested in every way possible.  Sometimes I passed, quite a few times I failed, but regardless, I picked myself up every time, and I survived.  When asked what I learned this year, I could tell you about all of the practical things, such as the principles of epidemiology, or biostatistics, or how to manage data using SAS.  Those things are all important.  However, as I reflect, it is not those classroom experiences that will define my time in grad school.  Instead it is the knowledge that life is unfair and harsh and cruel and vibrant and beautiful all at the same time.  What we are and who we are to become is a result of our individual journeys and includes not only the glory and the triumphs, but also the trials and tribulations.   I end this school year knowing that the tools I have come away with should be used to help others, in whatever arena that may be.  Just one person, with one idea, can have a huge impact on the entire world.  

I am not the same person I was at this time last year.  Can I say who I am now?  Not exactly.  I just know that I am poorer financially, but richer in knowledge and spirit and I wouldn’t change that for anything.

 

A Cool Thing Happened Today

My first year of grad school is done!  I am back home in Southern California, about to start my first of two internships, but more on that later.  

Something really cool happened today.  About a year ago, I stumbled across the blog of a fellow Southern Californian, Matt.  Matt has a beautiful daughter named Madeline and he blogs about his life with her.  What makes Matt’s story unique, however, is that the day after Madeline was born, her mother passed away, and since then Matt has been raising Madeline on his own while dealing with the loss of his wife.  

When I first started reading Matt’s blog, my friend Laura had just had her baby, Aiden.  In buying gifts for Aiden, I somehow got put on a mailing list, and suddenly, tons of free, but useless baby stuff started coming my way.  I had more formula than any childless woman could ever want, and I immediately thought to send it to Matt and Maddy.  Along with the formula, I sent a pair of pink converse for Madeline (because every girl needs a cute pair of pink shoes)  The only problem was that at the time, they were much too big for her.  I knew it would take about a year before she could actually wear them.  Since then, I have been reading Matt’s blog religiously.  Not only because I love his posts, but also because I was waiting for the day where I finally caught a glimpse of Maddy wearing the pink converse.  Today I got my wish.  Not only did I get a glimpse, but there was a full on foot picture of her sporting the shoes!  She makes them look so good!

Check it out here;

www.mattlogelin.com

 

With Love

Come finals, I turn into a crabby monster.  The lack of sleep and improper eating habits really starts to take a toll.  I actually was looking quite demonic on Tuesday with a bright red left eye that hurt like a mother and looked like it was going to fall out of the socket.    

Leave it to Janice to always know just what to do to make me feel better. On Wednesday I received an interesting package.

Upon closer inspection, I realized the contents may be edible

It even came with its own fridge pack

The card was absolutely awesome!

And the contents????

Chicken Noodle Soup!!!

Just what I needed to make all my finals blues go away.  

Thanks, Jano, for being the great friend that you are and for sending me love across the miles.  I couldn’t get through this whole grad school thing without you!

 

Spring is Finally Here!

A while back, I posted about the first snow of the year.  I was excited about it, and took pictures of the tree outside my apartment.  

Remember these?

 

Little did I know that this first snowfall was nothing in comparison to what was in store for me throughout the remainder of winter.  There were mornings where the snow on the sidewalk would come up to my calf.  There were also days where I would have trouble walking to school because the snow would be blowing in my face and impairing my vision.   I survived the worst of it, though, and so did the tree.  We are both celebrating the arrival of the warmer weather by blossoming a little.

I can now see why people appreciate the changing of the seasons.  It is so exciting to walk around and see things bloom after a long, cold, hiatus.  I appreciate the beauty in these things so much more than I ever did before.  

I even appreciate the beauty in my house keys.  It’s so much easier to open the door when my fingers are not numb and frozen.  Spring just makes everything (even the mundane) so much better!

 

Pinky Pur

I am an EXTREMELY sentimental person.  I have always been this way.  Once I love something or someone, I love it forever and never let it go.  Whether its a pendant given to me by my grandmother, or a feeling of love in my heart, I carry it around and always keep it with me.  A perfect example of this would be my stuffed cat, Pinky Pur, or as I like to call her, Pinky.  Pinky was given to me on my first birthday by my neighbor, whom I loved dearly.  My family moved when I was four years old.  I didn’t keep in touch with my neighbor, but I held on to Pinky because she reminded me how much I cared about my friend.  I gave her the name because of her pink belly and the fact that she is a cat, hence the “purring.”  It was the best name I could come up with, considering at the time I received her, I could barely talk.  Over the years her formerly white fur has turned a shade of gray.  Her plastic eyes have slight chips in them, and her tail is frayed.  She is worn, and tattered, and run down looking. I am afraid to put her in the washing machine because I fear her head might fall off. Friends of mine have given her nicknames, such as SheepCatDog (because you can no longer tell what sort of animal she is supposed to be) or Rat-a-tat Cat because of her disheveled appearance.  She may look less than attractive, but I love her anyway. Every night, I fall asleep with her in the crook of my arm, pressed up against my chest.  She has always given me a sense of security.  This may sound odd, considering she is stuffed with fluff, but I feel as if she can hear my thoughts.  I wonder what she thinks about things.  Through every breakup, every excited moment, every worry, Pinky has been there, listening to me.  She doesn’t say much, but she is there.  If there is one thing she has taught me its that a little bit of love can last a lifetime.

 

The Man of my Dreams

In terms of love, I want what everybody wants; someone who loves me for who I am, appreciates me, and cares about me.  It seems simple enough, or so you would think. I am not a very religious person, but I do believe in a higher being of some sort.  I call this being “God” for lack of a better name.  While getting ready this morning, “God” and I had a little chat.  I said to him/her/it “God, I just want someone who loves me.  You can make that happen right?  If you wouldn’t mind, could you do it soon?”

As I was walking to class, I stopped at the crosswalk and waited to cross the street. While I was waiting, I heard someone whistle and call out, “Hey, beautiful!”  I looked up and saw a man who most people would describe as a bum, sitting on the steps of the Salvation Army, smiling and winking at me.  ”Give me your phone number,” he yelled.  ”If you give me your number, I will love you forever!”

God, I appreciate your sense of humor, but that is NOT what I meant!

 

Time

You see, the thing with time is that it passes.  Its an inevitable phenomenon.  Along with the passage of time comes change.  Places change, people change, feelings change, I change.  It’s like paddling out to deep water and waiting for the perfect wave to come.  The water may be still for now, but it won’t be that way forever.  I will ride it out.  Time will pass. Things will change.

 

Hula Skanks

This post is for Alex, who actually reads and seems to like this blog.  Hi Alex!

One of my goals for this semester was to spend more time getting to know my classmates.  It turns out that they are not only brilliant academically, but extremely fun socially.  New Haven has its share of “interesting” bars, including Hula Hanks, or as we fondly call it, Hula “Skanks.”  I walk past this bar almost every day on my way to work and have always been curious.   Some people claim that it is extremely fun, while others won’t go within 100 yards of the place for fear of getting stabbed.  My classmates and I decided we would risk a potential stabbing and give it a shot.   I am glad we decided to do so, because we ended up having a fantastic time!  We did see our fair share of skanks, as well as a few random old men with sun glasses on inside the club, but the music was good, and nobody got groped, robbed, or assaulted, so I consider the night a great success!

As with anything in life, its not where you go, or what you do, but who you do it with that matters.

 

I Said, “Brrrrrrr”

Being home for two weeks got me used to beautiful weather.  I think I came back to New Haven a bit delusional.  The weather here can be quite deceptive.  When I woke up this morning, I looked out my window at a bright and sunny day.  “Awesome,”  I thought.  “Spring really is here!”  I threw on some jeans, a hoodie, and a pair of flats and walked out the door.   Little did I know that sunshine in New Haven does not necessarily equate warmth.  It is windy as hell today and the temperature outside is 27 degrees.  People are walking around in coats, scarves, and gloves.  Here I am, shivering and shaking as I walk down the street in a hoodie that says “University of California, Irvine,” broadcasting my naivete for all to see, while they laugh and think,  “Silly Californian!”

Tomorrow, it’s back to thermal underwear and my down jacket.